Category Archives: Relationship Coaching


ImageSoul mates are not always with us for a life time… 

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. 

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life.” 

~ Elizabeth Gilbert


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Written By Sophia Andreeva

For years, I have been signing all of my business and personal correspondence “Live Deliberately”, and when I opened my matchmaking business, it has turned into “Pursue Love Deliberately”. You might be surprised but the majority of single people are not really clear on what they want – even though they think they are. If you don’t know what you want – you will never get it! Whatever it is you are seeking, you have to define it exactly to yourself, or it’ll never sound clear to the person you are trying to connect with.

Have you heard about Reticular Activator? It is that part of your brain that heightens your awareness of certain things. You buy a red Volkswagen and suddenly you start seeing them everywhere. Pregnant women notice other pregnant women. That’s the sort of thing your reticular activator makes you aware of.

What does this have to do with you? Well, your reticular activator is already turned on. You’re surfing the net finding interesting things. You’ll be finding similarities, thinking provocative thoughts, and maybe making a comment or two on blogs you read.

1) There are numerous problems that prevent people from finding an appropriate mate. One is that they are not exposed to enough potential spouses. (Their sample sizes are not large enough — or their samples are not appropriate.) Perhaps they work too many hours or they are too shy to go to parties. They don’t get out enough. Professional matchmakers keep a special database of possible mates that’s based on particular characteristics and profile elements. They have these people fill out a detailed extensive questionnaire and they rigorously interview them. The best matchmakers are very selective about who goes into the database.

2) Another problem is that singles are not always a good judge of character. They choose to date people that may seem attractive at some level but turn out not to be good marriage material. Professional matchmakers, however, have experience — way more than the typical matchmaking client does. They’ve seen the patterns. They’ve seen the results associated with putting certain types of people together. In some respects, they know you better than you know yourself.

A lot of men and women, just like you, are single and are looking for a serious relationship and love, but tend to attract or are attracted to the wrong people. Not that they don’t know what is what they want to avoid but they cannot avoid it…

The problem is everyone has a pattern they use in the relationships. What we call chemistry is actually sitting deep in unconscious and is hard wired. It determines your relationships choices for the rest of your life. Because of it, you crave specific types of people and situations whether they are good for you or not. You will continue to do this unless you do something to change your hard wiring. You cannot change your wiring by reading a book. If you could you would have exactly the kind of relationships you want by now. Only method that imprint the original primal level and interrupt your original wiring can change your relationship patterns. And that’s in what I do the best.

3) The final problem is that people cannot advise themselves. They just can’t be objective — or diligent — enough. It takes a matchmaker to play the role of coach and drive some sense into some people. Many have unrealistic expectations of their potential mates. It’s the matchmaker’s job to be tough — and drive clarity. One matchmaker mentioned in the piece even scolds her male clients who cannot make up their minds. She’ll say, ”Are you like a little boy in a candy store who can’t decide? Because I’m not here to provide candy. Do you want to get married or not?”’ Indeed, they pay tens of thousands of dollars for this type of treatment.

4) While some people may see hope in the Internet as a vehicle for matchmaking, it turns out that many Net daters tend to lie on their questionnaires. and may not be able to effectively link you up if everyone is lying in cyberspace just to get laid. Unfortunately, this happens a lot. When the decision is as high stakes as the person you are going to marry, it may be worth the investment of a several thousand dollars for an annual contract (plus a marriage bonus) to have some personal guidance and attention.

5) Professional matchmaking runs in parallel to world-class selling. Sales people that are considered “eagles” tend to be as trustworthy (and well compensated) as professional matchmakers. Their enlightened self-interest lies not in persuading someone to buy, but rather, in making successful matches. They know their clients well and they also know what needs to happen to make them successful (and happy). Customer intelligence helps companies (and their people) make the right matches.

6) But here’s where the romantic types will resist. They might think it’s not about magic. It’s not about love at first sight. Some professional matchmakers think in rational and objective terms and believe that people should stop their agonized search for soul mates, thinking that a soul mate can be glimpsed in many inappropriate objects: the soul may be located in someone who is too young or too old or too poor or the wrong religion or a convicted felon who is married to your sister. Half of literature concerns the perils of falling for a soul mate: the Victorian heroine runs off with the gardener; Romeo decides he can’t live without the daughter of a family with whom his is feuding. And these tales always end badly, with disgrace and death, so that the normal order of society can be soberly restored.”

Even though the profession of matchmaking is becoming increasingly scientific and left-brain, I would qualify myself as a spiritual matchmaker who does believe in that intuition and experience are still important. I would agree that the matchmaker’s primary weapon is not cupid’s arrow, but rather insight and analysis, but I also consider that the main ingredient for success is THE  ART OF SERENDIPITY. I truly believe in Serendipity. This word was coined by the eighteenth-century British writer Horace Walpole, who defined it as “that quality of mind which through awareness, sagacity, and good fortune, allows one to frequently discover something good while seeking something else.” It is an attitude of mind and heart that attracts and enhances joy. I believe in miracles. Do I make miracles all day long matching people? Well, I definitely able to increase their chances of Serendipity to knock on their door and help them meet their True Love. Unlike most matchmakers, my matchmaking approach is very spiritual… I am helping people to get in touch with themselves first – then with their Soul mates.

Are you ready for love? Are you looking for your soul mate? Are you attractive, smart and successful? And are you single? Don’t wait for the future to knock on your door.

Pursue Love Deliberately!

Sophia Andreeva, Seattle Premier Matchmaker and Relationship Expert


ImageLike two golden birds perched on the selfsame tree, intimate friends, the Ego and the Self dwell in the same body. The former eats the sweet and sour fruits of the tree of life, while the latter on it detachment. ~ The Mundaka Upanishad

Make a Shift in Your Consciousness and Change Your life forever

Can you imagine what kind of things can happen to you when you don’t block your mind from possibilities available to you?

You can shift your own thoughts and create your own new reality!

ASK YOURSELF – WHAT IF??? What it will be like if…? The answer is – It’s already done. Notice what you see and interact with it. Be ready to what will show up.

You already know the answer. When you decide to do something or have a question or ready for a change – it’s when you already have the necessary information and resources available for you, you already know the answer – all you have to do is to let it in. You are reading this workbook because you already have a readiness for a shift in your brain – you are ready for it. Now when you have the info and all of your dots connected, all you have to do is to allow it to come to you and happen.

NO ACTION: JUST LET IT IN – ALLOW IT TO HAPPEN TO YOU!!! What is an intent? It’s a blink of an eye… It’s an innocent perception => Whatever shows up in your life => the next moment => you let it in.

TRUST – DON’T BELIVE BUT KNOW: It’s not about action – it’s about trust – it’s done before you have ever asked. Expand your field of awareness and follow your heart. DON’T BELIEVE – drop into a state when you don’t have to believe because you KNOW– I am good, I deserve, I am loved, etc.

FUN: Make life fun – loosen up – don’t take life so seriously – nothing is real. Well, you always have an option to take everything and yourself seriously and then die and come back smart and perfect – is that what you want? Love yourself and have fun! When you are having fun – you are actually experiencing love and able to let go the negative. The best exercise ever: Lighten you heart – stop be serious – have fun with your life!!! Start your day with a good music and treat others as yourself and
you will be guaranteed to have fun.

ACTIVATE YOUR RIGHT BRAIN: You CANNOT change anything in your life using the left brain. Its always will be modification of what you already have. Your mind is like an iceberg and unfortunately we only use the tip of this iceberg. By just using your conscious mind, your expectations are limited by 10% of your total awareness. We believe that things have to be in certain order. Break this limiting belief. Don’t limit your opportunities by limiting your expectations. We even have a limitation how we measure our expectations…

It takes consciousness to collapse possibility into actual reality by exercising freedom of choice.

Each sec consciousness reveals to us a tiny fraction of 11 mln bits of information, which our senses pass to our brains. Trust your intuition! Your intuition is based not on your perceived reality but on infinite information field.

FOCUS ON A DREAM: Don’t focus on problem but work on dreams. When we focus on what is wrong we don’t let it go. Have you ever heard of Institute of Asthma? How about renaming it into Institute of Breathing? When you are identifying the problem how can you ever get over

it? Wait till your consciousness will give up and will let go your old reality –only then you will get an immediate shift in your actual reality.

When you think there is something wrong with you or your partner or your life and you are trying to CHANGE it in order to deal with it, you don’t allow it to happen. You should let it go and not to think about it, and focus on the dream/goal, feel and smell it, like it is already a reality not a dream.

POSSIBILITIES: All of us made from white light and we all are possibilities.
Treat People as Possibilities!

There is an ocean of possibilities but as soon as you let your consciousness (negative self-talk) to step into the picture – you put yourself in to a box of problems. (Sub consciousness tells you – I love you my son/my daughter. Consciousness (self-talk) tells you – I hate you, you suck…)

There is no pain, there is no problem, there are no relationships – it’s all in your head! There is no even you in the version you know yourself – you can be anything in connection with universe. Atoms are not things either – they are possibilities… Person is a probability cloud. There is no body, no mind, no problem – it’s an atom reality. There is no brain either – only possibilities until it collapses.

STOP CARING and CONTROLING: You cannot change anything when you care… transformation happen because you don’t try any more to change things. While you let it go, you can multiply the results you are looking for from 1 to 10. When you don’t care helps, because you stop being attracted to outcome.
So stop feeding your ego state and let it go.

Don’t try to control love – let it happen, be able to stay vulnerable. Rather then struggle – accept help and open yourself for infinite possibilities come form unexpected source. Allow the Universe to Surprise you. What will show up will be perfect for you in the certain moment.

START CHANGE FROM YOURSELF: People around you are the reflection of the energy you are caring with you. You want different people to show up in your life – start change from yourself first. Replace your old thoughts with a new ones about yourself and the world you live in). Detach from you normal accusations. New frequencies will apply to you by itself. Remember you are not fixing anything in yourself, there is nothing wrong with you or who you are. What is wrong with you is what you think of who you are.

FORGIVE YOURSELF and GET RID OF REGRETS: There cannot be regret about your past. Your past is what you have intended for yourself at certain point of your life and matched your energy level at that particular moment. Recognize and forgive yourself for all and everything. In state of despair – forgive yourself without judging yourself. Practice forgiveness to others but start from yourself.

ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE: When you truly accept who you are – everything will come. Give up a NEED to be perfect… You are perfect already… You don’t allow yourself to see you as a perfect. Evaluate you limiting identifications and allow divine love you are built of to be seen by others and by yourself. Think not about who you ARE but who you WILL BE. Don’t make your reference point who you are today – the next you will be very different.

FOLLOW YOUR HEART: The heart, by the way, has nothing to do with your expectations and emotions (they come from your Ego). Don’t just believe – follow your heart – if it doesn’t feel right and you are not comfortable – get out of the situation without regret – it was not right for
you. If you DON’T LIKE yourself in the relationships get out of these relationships – build the new one. It is your choice how much energy you put into it.

WHAT IS LOVE: Magnetic field with electro potential – zero point field – the field of the highest possible frequencies – the sacred space – the creator – God. All of us are made of it. Divine Love is what all of us made of. It is already in you. Allow it to show up by eliminating your limiting beliefs from your mind. Love is an individualization of spirit. The only thing that matters is spirit. But most people understand under love reaction to external circumstances or internal desires. People confuse love with what they want or desire.

STOP BEING ADVERSARIAL: If you believe there is good and evil – you will always have one against another. How about thinking that evil is just an absent of good. Life is not white and black. Life is fair. But it doesn’t feel fair sometimes. It can hurt sometimes. Don’t expect life to be perfect – just be there – let the heart lead you. All expectations set up a polarity. Once you embrace your intention => its all happen. The more you want it the more you extend the results. Recognize your roadblocks and release it. That’s the only think that collapses struggles of duality.

RECOGNIZE YOURSELF IN YOURSELF: We have a huge factory of layers of consciousness full of explanations of what I can’t do, can’t be and why I cannot! Turn it off! Where shouldn’t be any difference in your emotional experience – there is only love. When you have a different experience rather than love – you must recognize that it is your Ego and you must let your ego go. When you give up some points of yourself – you get what you want. Grow to the highest spiritual frequencies and learn to stay in power without loosing the state of grace, the innocent perception of love without judgment.

LISTEN CAREFULLY: IF you care about somebody’s story – it’s not about them – it’s about how YOU are related to the story because of your issue and your relativeness to it. When you say negative/bad things about others –what is your inner You says laud what it thinks about yourself by noticing it in others. By saying out laud negative things about others your ego is satisfying itself. Listen closely what people say about others and the world, and you will learn what they indeed think about themselves

Written by Sophia Andreeva
Sophisticated Matchmaking, Inc. Copyrights 2006-2013. All rights reserved.



Image“Love is the exquisite exception that is a reflection of what is normal; what we mistakenly label as normal is the aberration…” ~ Stewart Emery ~

All of our lives we have been searching for the one thing that will ensure the quality of all experience and provide us with a “happy ever after,” free of the pain, anguish and separation we find in the world.  The thing that seems to hold the most promise for us, as far as furnishing us with the ultimate happy-ever-after, is the “perfect relationship.”

We expect to have absent from the relationship everything we don’t like about life.  Our expectations have been fed, since we were very small, a diet of Snow Whites, Cinderellas, and fairy godmothers, along with Prince Valiants and the Clark Kent-to-Superman transformation.  We grow up believing that some day our prince or princess will come and stay forever, as we share a state of bliss, untouched by the harshness of the realities of the world.

A beautiful dream, an exquisite fantasy – let us now explore the reality.  In a romantic relationship what I really want from you is a more joyful experience of myself.  I will say “I love you” if in your presence I experience myself as a joyful, lovable and capable person.  And this is actually what you want from me.

The Difference Between Being in Love and Falling in Love

When we say “I’m falling in love with you,” we are really saying, “I am becoming the effect of you, and it’s more fun than being the effect of the dreary stuff I am usually the effect of.”

This is a state of temporary well-being.  It is the illusion that at last our prince or princess has arrived and the bliss is around the corner.  It is the period of high hopes.  It is the statement that “I am the effect of you at the moment, and things go better with you.”  We are addicted to this feeling, a temporary feeling of exhilaration, for it looks as if our dreams are about to come true.  We will have a relationship for as long as it takes for me to no longer be in love with you – to no longer be the effect of you.

I can go from one relationship to another on the basis that we’ll have a relationship for as long as things go better with you, without my having to do anything.  When things stop going better with you, I will go on to the next one.  Familiar?  Yes.  Satisfying?  No.  We are always preoccupied with what the relationship is doing for us, not with what we are doing for the relationship.  I am not saying that being the effect of somebody in this way is bad or unpleasant.  It isn’t.  It’s wonderful.  It is opposite from the experience of fear; it is a release.  But we should be aware that in a relationship, the effect stage is just that, a stage.  It is not a destination, or a way to measure the validity of the relationship.

“You are Me and I Love Myself”

When we say we are in love with someone, what is happening is that around that person we have an experience of our own essence.  And we fall in love with that experience, because that experience IS love.

Unfortunately, we put the cause of the experience over on the other person, rather than recognizing that what we love is ourselves around that person.  Something about them inspires us out of our act and into the direct experience of our own beauty and our own supportability.  We really fall in love with our ultimate self.

If we attribute the cause or source of the experience solely to the presence of the other person, we rob ourselves of the possibility of owning our own experience and recognizing our own lovability.  We become the effect of the other person.  We cast them in our soap opera, and the possibility of the absence of the experience becomes a threat.  Eventually, it comes to an end, usually a sad one.

When you give somebody else the ownership of your sense of well-being, it can only lead to the deterioration of your well-being.  If you think that the experience you have of loving yourself around somebody else comes out of them, you will end up needing them.  They will have to be around for you to experience your own true nature.  What you love is your experience of yourself.  Don’t give credit to the mirror for what you see reflected there.

Being in Love

To me, being in love is experiencing somebody’s essence and their expression of it, and being unwilling for them not to express it.  I love you if I experience your essence and support your expression of your essence, and won’t allow you to hide the beauty of your real self.  The experience of real love exists beyond any considerations we have for our own well-being.

Love is when I am concerned with your relationship with your own life, rather than with your relationship to mine.  I love you, knowing that if your relationship with you and your own life doesn’t work, your relationship with me won’t work either.

Love is the experience of our unity, the experience that between you and me there is no separation and therefore no conflict.  It is the experience that between you and me exists a fundamental harmony and balance in relationship, which is an expression of the fundamental nature of the universe.

My observation is that whenever you can get people to be themselves and express themselves graciously, and with an appropriateness that comes out of a perception of the reality they happen to be in, you experience them as loving people.  They experience loving people and they experience being loved.  When you are with a group of people who are really able to be themselves and do not play their acts, and do not hide behind their facades, and are not preoccupied with how they are going to avoid losing, you will experience a deeply moving sense of well-being – there is love.  I am talking about the kind of people who feel that their lives have already turned out and now it’s all a bonus.  These are people who really experience a love for others.

When we have the experience of being one with everything, we have that experience of being related to everything.  All the separation disappears, all the conflict disappears, and we are left with a sense of fullness, joy, serenity – in short, an experience of love.  It is love beyond attachment.

Love is Insufficient Grounds for a Relationship

Balance and harmony in relationships is the fundamental nature of the universe.  We experience this balance and harmony as love.  The experience we call love is the substance of all reality.  Everything else is an illusion.  Since love is the way it is, if you expanded your consciousness to the level required, you would experience loving everybody.

And somehow we think that is what we would have to do.  We have gotten to the crazy place on this planet where we think that conflict is normal, separation is normal, alienation is normal – that a lifestyle that is generally unsatisfying is normal.  The brief moments of exception are this thing called love.

The truth is, love is the normal state, and there are a lot of exceptions, called separation, conflict, and alienation.  But to consider separation, conflict, and alienation as normal is to condemn humanity to what we have condemned ourselves to throughout recorded history: a tragedy of endless war and conflict in which millions die and suffer.  Just because there is a lot of it around, it is crazy to say that it is normal.  If we say that suffering is normal, we have condemned humanity to suffering.  We must look at it this way instead: the beautiful, exquisite exception is normal and everything else is an aberration.

Love is the exquisite exception that is a reflection of what is normal; what we consider average and mistakenly label as normal is the abundance of the aberration, built upon illusions of separation created by our minds.  We are related.  When we are having a relationship, we are simply doing something about the fact that we are related.

If I experience being in love around you, it does not mean I have to do anything about it.  Our craziness is that if we experience loving someone, then we feel we’ve got to have a relationship because we regard love as an unusual and scarce commodity.

We are so threatened by the absence of love, that when any little bit of it shows it’s head, we yell “Gimme!” and grab at it with attachment.  Attachment destroys the experience of love.  If we can recognize that love is simply the way of things, and that it will always be revealed when the clouds of aberration, separation, alienation, and conflict are blown away, then the threat of being without love no longer exists.

We have got to grow up when it comes to love.  We have got to see that we do not have to do something with every person with whom we have that experience.

Once we discover that love is the way it is, we are no longer threatened by the possibility of the absence of love, because we recognize that the absence of love is no more than an illusion.

I am not personally threatened by being without love.  I meet so many people with whom I would enjoy having a relationship, that I sometimes feel swamped by the abundance, rather than suffering from an illusion of scarcity.  I may do nothing more than say “I really love you, and I don’t think we ought to do anything about it.  I just thought it would be a pity if I experienced loving you and kept it a secret.”

The Difference Between Commitment and Attachment

If our relationship is going to work, there must be a commitment to each other’s well-being.  Most people who say they have a commitment don’t; they have an attachment.  Commitment means “I am going to stick with you and support your experience of well-being.”  Attachment means “I am stuck without you.”

We need to be able to go into a relationship with commitment and without attachment, recognizing that love is not an issue, particularly.  Love is what will be there once we get everything else working.

We Do We Really Want From Each Other?

What I want in my relationship with you is an experience  of myself as a loveable and capable person, when I am being myself.  Unless I am being myself, I can’t have the experience of being loveable and capable.  I can’t have an experience being a loveable and capable person when I put my act out there.  I may have a loveable and capable act, but if you go for it, I don’t have an experience of being a loveable and capable person.  I am just a bad person with a loveable and capable act.  And now the threat is that you’ll find out that the lovable and capable act is hiding the horrible me that is really there and if you ever see that, I’m in big trouble.

All we really want from each other is an experience of ourselves as lovable and capable people.  We want the experience that we are capable of making some contribution that is of joyful service to ourselves, other people, and the planet that we all share.  This is very important to us: it is what we all really want.

The Importance of Equality

In The Prophet, Kahlil Gibran writes about the paradox between unity and separation.  “Let there be spaces in your togetherness,” he says, “for the pillars of the temple stand apart.  And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.”

It is vital to a relationship that we discover the balance between unity and separation.  If we are totally together, we can’t experience  each other if there is separation in the unity.  But if the pillars of our temple are not the same height, the roof will slide off, which means there has to be a sense of equality in the relationship.

A relationship that works is built upon a commitment to and an appreciation for each other’s process and a recognition of our fundamental equality as beings, regardless of our relative positions and achievements in the process of our evolution.  Love is not about gazing into each other’s eyes; it is about being together, gazing out at the world.

The All-Important Quantum Et Solace

Ian Fleming who created the James Bond character, once wrote a beautiful essay on relationships, in which he talked about a principle he called the “quantum et solace.”  The quantum et solace means the amount of well-being in a relationship.  Fleming said that as long as two people in a relationship genuinely care about each other’s well-being, and genuinely want to make a contribution to each other’s well-being, the relationship can and will survive anything.

The organizing principle of a relationship should be a commitment to each other’s well-being.  We should not seek in each other an escape from living and life.  We should not seek in each other support and companionship, passion and compassion for the adventure, love, and a sense of humor regarding the lessons each of us has had to learn and for the revelation of our own foolishness.  That is an enormous commitment, but once it is made and acknowledged, the relationship will survive anything.

The Form Supports the Purpose

Most of us do not realize that the form of our relationship should come out of and support the purpose.  Instead we go into a relationship with a great deal of rigidity about the form it should take.  We are really trying to get the relationship to conform to the popularized image of what the perfect, happy-ever-after relationship is supposed to look like.  It gets more confusing these days, because we have conflicting images.

We have somehow been conditioned to believe that a relationship should look a certain way for it to bring us the bounty of the relationship to match that form, rather than organizing the form to support the purpose of our commitment to each other’s well-being.  The effort to get our relationship to conform generates the conflict that destroys any chance it may have of evolving into a form that would support our well-being.

It is as if we plant a rose bush and when we see thorns appear, we destroy it, because it doesn’t look like roses to us – when all we would have to do is let it grow and we would have roses.  We must be willing to let the relationship transcend the limits of form – transcend the imprisonment, the rigidity, the separation and conflict that come when we try to put the round peg of relationship into the square hole of form.

A Fundamental Principle of Relationships

Once we realize that what is important in a relationship is the commitment to well-being, to let the form of our relationship evolve to support the purpose, then we can begin to see something else:Relationships can neither be begun nor ended; they can only be recognized and altered in form. Since the fundamental nature of the universe is balance and harmony in relationship, you and I are related whether or not we’re doing anything about it. What we call “starting a relationship” is really doing something about the fact that we are related.

We cannot start a relationship.  We can just recognize it and start to do something about it.  Now, if it is true that we can’t start a relationship, we can only recognize it, then it is also true that we can never end a relationship.  If we stop doing something about the relationship, that does not alter the fact that we are related.  Our relationship exists as a fundamental truth of the universe.  Relationships cannot be started or ended, only altered in form.

If we could really see the truth of that, all the threat would disappear.  I wouldn’t have to worry about keeping the relationship from ending.  I could stop playing from the fear of losing you.  Once we discover that we can’t begin relationships or end them, we can begin to allow them to evolve, and  assume the form that is necessary to support their purpose.

The Real Purpose of a Relationship

The purpose of a relationship cannot be the relationship itself.  The purpose of the relationship can only be the commitment to each other’s well-being and companionship in the large adventure of life.  If we are not experiencing the adventure of life, if we are not expanding beyond the limits of our own personal reality, then it’s not a creative relationship.

Most people’s relationships are just a dramatization of solutions to the avoidance of loss.  The theory is that two people can protect themselves against life better than one.  That attitude totally destroys the possibility of growth in a relationship.  If we are to be vital and growing in a relationship, I have got to support you in your process, and you have got to support me in mine.  I have to support you in learning the lessons that are there for you to learn, and you have to do the same for me.  An integral part of that support is to allow me to discover that just because there is a lesson to learn, that does not mean I am a bad person.  We can both laugh about it; we can both enjoy the constant revelation of our own foolishness as lessons unfold and the magical adventure of life reveals itself.

We then begin to see that life is experimental.  Having a relationship with someone is experimental.  The only way we are going to see how it’s going to turn out if we have a relationship, is to go ahead and have one.

Two Halves Make a Quarter

To have a relationship we need to have mastered our ability to support our own well-being.  If I can’t support my own well-being, how the hell am I going to support yours?

A lot of relationships are made up of two people who can’t individually support their own well-being, hoping that together maybe they can make it.  When you multiply one-half times another half, you end up with one-quarter.  It happens mathematically and it happens with people.  If two people are having a relationship and both of them are in the fractional area of being a person – if neither of them have a personal reality that includes an experience of their own wholeness – then the product of their coupling will be less than what they individually started with.  In other words, the relationship will only diminish them.  It will be a source of discomfort and further disillusionment.  It will not add to the quality of their experience, it will detract from it.

Nothing is neutral in the universe.  It either contributes or it costs.  It is either part of the solution or part of the problem.

It is Not Nice to be Needed

Most people’s relationships are an expression of need, and they are disasters.  Relationships built on need cannot work.  A relationship built on need is a constant attempt to answer the eternal question “How do I avoid losing?”  It is not “I want to be with you.”  It is not “I want to be here and I want you to be here.”  It is “I want you to be here and I won’t be able to make it if you are not here.”  One is freeing and the other is binding.  One is supportive and the other suppressive.  One encourages growth and the other is threatened by it.

Once a relationship is based upon need, it becomes a question of who has more control.  More specifically, “How am I going to control the source of the satisfaction of my need?”  When that becomes the question, we stop experiencing the other person, and begin to think of ways to manipulate and control the source of the satisfaction of our need.

Once I come up with the idea that my well-being is dependent on you, and you come up with the idea that your well-being is dependent on me, we will then do absolutely anything to keep the form of the relationship intact.  It is the beginning of suspended animation in relationship.

All possibility for mutual joy and adventure in life is gone.  It is replaced by a total fixation on survival.  We then devise an infinite number of ingenious and destructive ways to manipulate and control the relationship.

We may control the relationship by becoming a big problem: one of us will get sick or get fired, or engage in any one of a number of “help me” routines.

We may control the relationship by not letting the other person ever make it with us.  Or we may have kids to bind the relationship together.  There is a whole arsenal of weapons we can use against each other in the never-ending struggle to keep control of the relationship.  Everything from money and sex to guilt and shame.  All the great stuff that country-western songs and soap operas are made of.

But I am less interested in the content of the madness than I am in finding a way outward to sanity.  And there is a way out.


If a relationship is ever going to work in terms of life, in terms of supporting each other’s well-being, we must surrender to each other.  If you look up surrender in Webster’s, you will find that the first definition says, “To give up possession of or power over.”

Thus, surrender in a relationship would mean to give up possession of and power over the other.  “Wait a minute!  Are you kidding?!  That is a horrendous notion to think about.  If I don’t have possession of you and I don’t have power over you, what’s going to keep you around?”

Well, we really can’t have a joyful relationship until we have removed all of the reasons to stick around – all the reasons of need, and of form, and of living.  We should only stick around if the value is there – if together we enjoy the adventure of life, if we joyfully support and acknowledge each other’s process.

In the early days of our culture, it was important to have a husband and wife and a retinue of children to help run the farm and keep off attackers.  But things have changed.  At a very deep level, we have failed to notice.  We live in a society where it is relatively easy for the single person to get living handled.  At the very least, we should recognize that relationships afford only very marginal benefits in terms of getting the mechanics of living handled.

We should celebrate this.  We should stop and have a holiday to acknowledge this as an incredible opportunity.  We’ve got the mechanics of living handled!  There are very few people in all of history who could have said that.

We have got living handled; now we better find out the purpose.  The purpose of getting living handled is to have freedom for the adventure and celebration of life, to have the adventure of experiencing love and passion in our exploration of each other and life.  Freedom from concern for the mechanics of living provides with a greater opportunity to discover, without threat, the fundamental nature of the universe and the perfection of our relationship to it all.

Where to Begin

Since a relationship is about exploring each other’s realities, in the beginning, time should be spent listening to each other’s expression of that reality.  We should be willing to express what we really want to the extent that we are aware of it.

In the beginning we have to sit down and realistically look at what we want, what we are willing to contribute, what our sexual preferences are, what level of commitment we are willing to make, and what contribution we can make in the area of living.  We have to get the mechanics handled.

Often we seem to operate from the principle that if our partners really loved us, they would know what we wanted, and they would give it to us without our having to ask.  Often we individually don’t know what we want and yet expect the other person (who doesn’t know what they want) to know what we want and give it to us without our asking.  This is crazy.  Thus, a fundamental component of a relationship is the free communication of wants and desires on all levels.

If You Want Something, Ask

Very few of us can ask for what we want in a joyful and open fashion, and without guilt.  As children we are told that “It’s rude to ask.” It is somehow more polite to wait to be invited.  Well, millions of people are still waiting to be invited.

If I buy the notion that it is rude to ask, I am never going to ask.  And if I never ask, I probably will never get what I want.  My life will be constructed out of what’s left over after I avoid all the things that I am afraid of.

If you think it is rude to ask, and you feel compelled to ask anyway, you are likely to ask apologetically.  Whoever you ask will not feel good about giving you what you asked for.

One of the great keys to joy and happiness and results in life is to develop the ability to ask for what you want in such a manner that people are delighted to give it to you.

Not only do we need to be able to ask for what we want, we first need to be accountable for being aware of our own wants.  A lot of us aren’t.  A lot of us have never found out what we want because all our lives we have chosen what everybody else told us to want.

What we really want, of course, is an experience of ourselves as lovable and capable people, and support and nurturing in the areas of experience that are hidden from us as a result of our conditioning.

How to be Together

One of the things that goes on in most relationships is the attempt to control each other’s behavior, especially when we are not together.  We demand that our partner be a certain way.  We usually demand fidelity, which is foolish and has never worked.

I propose a new kind of agreement.  It is this:  When I am not with you, I will conduct my life in a way that supports my ability to be with you when I am with you.  When I am not with you, I will not do things that will interfere with my ability to be with you when I am with you.

In other words, when I am not with you, I will conduct myself in the adventure of life in such a way that when I am with you again, the time I was not with you will have become a foundation for a deeper experience of well-being and even more enjoyment when we are together.  And if there are certain lessons that you have to learn, which I am not in a position to support you in learning, you need to be free to go to where you will get that support.  A relationship should not suppress our adventure or suppress the speed with which we learn the lessons that are there for us to learn.

If we are going to organize our relationships around value and support, each of us should conduct our own lives in such a way that we have more ability to be with each other when we are and so that we have more to offer each other, we have more of an experience of ourselves to share with each other.  Our experiences of being apart can totally support our experience of being together.

One Person Can Transform a Relationship

It is nice if both people in a relationship are aware of the principles we have talked about, but it is not necessary.  One person can implement what you have discovered here and make it work.

We may find from time to time that we are playing with someone who is not willing to play.  Too often we take a dancing partner who just does not want to dance.  Now, I think it is true that at some level, everyone wants to dance.  It’s just hard to get some people to discover that about themselves.  So we need to make sure when we start a relationship, we are playing with somebody who is a candidate for the game.

If we find that we are having a relationship with somebody who is not a candidate for the game, we need to be willing for the form of the relationship to alter.  When that happens, we can maintain our integrity if we conduct ourselves in such a way that we know that we have done absolutely everything we can think of, to the limits of our consciousness to get it to work out, and it didn’t.

Good Loving Takes Courage

Having a relationship with another person that truly works is a great adventure.  To be a great adventurer takes great courage.  We have to be willing to take action (even though we might be afraid to ask for what we want), to manifest our love and compassion, and to be real.  People who love life, themselves, and each other have the courage and the passion to make the game worth playing.  To really have creative, alive relationships, we have to consciously foster and support that spirit of adventure.



Are you one of the 45 percent of Americans making a New Year’s resolution for 2012? If you’re single, maybe you should be.

Here’s why: it’s been reported that for the first time, the number one New Year’s resolutionfor more than half of American resolution-makers is to spend more time with family and friends. This beat the usual top resolutions of exercising more, weight loss and smoking cessation, which fell into the number two, three and four spots for 2012.

This reprioritized commitment to making the most of our relationships with the people we love says big things about where we stand. Perhaps it’s the tough economy that’s forcing us to consider how much more personal bonds matter than those extra five pounds do, and reflect on why it’s so important to nurture our relationships with the people who support us when it’s questionable whether we’ll be fully able to support ourselves. But to me, this shift in resolutions is indicative of something even more meaningful: for a culture that often gets a bad rap for being self-centered and entitled (an accusation directed most often at us young adults), finally we’re turning the focus away from ourselves and onto the important people in our lives. Lots of us have learned the hard way that we actually do need loving relationships, and we’re ready to show up…for the the ones we’re in, and the ones we want.

Another reason this is the time to put relationships first? Last week a headline-making study revealed that a whopping 49 percent of American adults are single. If you’re one of them and you’re looking for love, 2012 looks optimistic. “The new year always brings a lot of new energy,” says New York City-based love coach Karin Knoblich. “We need to see ourselves as the source of our experience and take full responsibility for what we want to create.” In other words, when it comes to your resolution to find love, it’s in your control to make it happen. Here are Knoblich’s keys:

1. Address any obstacles. Knoblich says she can often see right away whether a client is truly prepared to enter a relationship. “Just because we want something very much doesn’t mean that we’re ready,” she says, making this important distinction: “We’re ready when we’re willing to clear away the obstacles.” Knoblich explains that clients commonly encounter inner obstacles like emotional injuries that happened to us in childhood or past breakups. When we finally face them and push them out of our way, circumstances outside of us that were repelling love often resolve themselves.

Bottom line? If you’re hurting from your past, you need to tend to that wound first. Knoblich says she looks for whether a person is “grounded enough and connected to spirit” to move on, forgive and let go of their emotional baggage and their resentment of past partners. If so, then she begins the work.

2. Believe that you’re ready. Knoblich practices Core Energetics, a body-centered approach to love coaching that helps her clients center in on what they truly feel. “Often I have people stand,” she says. “I ask them to connect with their body and claim: ‘I’m here. I want to be in a relationship. I’m here with open arms. I’m available. I want to attract this wonderful mate into my life.’ ” But sometimes when a person tries to connect their energy to their words, Knoblich says, “It doesn’t feel quite true.” Try the exercise yourself: stand, take a moment to connect your mind with how your body feels, and say the words. Deep down, do you believe them? Your commitment to seeking love may not feel 100 percent authentic just yet, Knoblich says, but again, pay close attention to what’s happening inside you. Identifying the fact that you harbor fears about love is the first step to working through them.

3. Accept imperfection. This is the most common fear when it comes to pursuing love. “We’re all scared of [involving ourselves] intimately in love with another person,” Knoblich says, “because it means we’re getting intimately in love with another human being who is imperfect–who is just as wounded as we are.” And it’s crucial to understand that even when you’re in a loving relationship, pain will surface occasionally. “We tend to have attractions to people who we know on some level can help us heal from the past,” Knoblich says. “That means actually reactivating the original wounds of betrayal, rejection, abandonment.” When you look at it that way, no wonder it can be so scary to get involved with someone, but Knoblich says this is the way a relationship can help us grow into our fullest potential. “To be in a relationship is a journey,” she explains. “This is the road to healing and integrating the heart, the sexuality and the mind.”

4. Let your emotions rule.“In our society, we live a lot in our heads,” Knoblich says. “But when we engage in relationships, we need to develop the capacity and strength to tolerate intense feelings.” In 2012, when pain, anger, and love bubble up inside, allow yourself to experience them deeply. Hold onto them for a moment. Acknowledge them. Even act on them. That’s the only way to develop what Knoblich refers to as the “physical container” that’s necessary for us to live in relationship with another person. Otherwise, she says, “At the first sight of somebody’s imperfection or not showing up according to their expectations, we’ll head for the exit door. Unless you have the willingness to be that vulnerable,” she says, “love will be elusive.”

5. Define your goal.What type of relationship are you being called to experience right now? Knoblich points out how crucial it is to clearly identify your mission. “Are you looking to get married? Are you looking to have a long-term committed relationship? Maybe you just want to get back into the dating world.” Many people set a short-term goal to date more, accompanied by a longer-term goal to enter a committed relationship. An important tip? Knoblich says it’s helpful to set a time frame, because if we hold ourselves to it, we’ll start to notice the obstacles we’re encountering–for example: Every man I dated this year was emotionally unavailable. A deadline of sorts gives us a window of time to grasp an awareness of our experiences.

6. Set the intention.When we have a goal, then we can really take stock of where our energy lies. “It’s not like, I’m wishing for a boyfriend or a girlfriend,” Knoblich says. “Instead: ‘I’m setting the intention to find my life partner.’ Or, ‘I’m setting the intention to date three men without getting so quickly involved sexually.’ ” And it is absolutely critical to identify where our energy truly lies, because you may think that you want one thing, while in reality your energy is guiding you elsewhere. “We may tell ourselves that we want to get married, but on an energetic level, marriage may be absolutely terrifying. Setting the intention is really important for taking responsibility for the obstacles that appear in our lives,” and this is what helps us to understand and transcend the disappointment that’s inevitable. “We’re not just taking ourselves out of the game after the first rejection,” Knoblich says. If your intention is set, you keep moving forward.

So as we encounter potential partners in the new year, here are the important considerations to make: Is the person you’re interested in relationship material? Do they look like they’re ready? Chemistry and attraction are important, but they aren’t everything–when we operate strictly on those, Knoblich says, “We don’t look at who this person really is. Do they make a good long-term partner, or are we going to get caught up in a whirlwind romance and three months later find ourselves heartbroken and crushed with lower self-esteem?” This points to an important element in finding the partner who suits you best: “Having high self-esteem is the recipe to attract somebody who will treat you well, who will respect you, who will be supportive,” Knoblich emphasizes. “It’s healthy to expect that.”

Still, she acknowledges how overwhelming the idea of a relationship can be. “If you see yourself procrastinating, or declining dates, or if you find flaws in someone, then you’ll use that as an excuse not to get to know that person.” If that’s you, 2012 may be your year to dig deeper and assess why your mind isn’t open to the love your heart’s longing for. Knoblich says the best way to accomplish this may be with a psychotherapist or a love coach who will guide you into your past and help you embrace your inner child–the resilient and totally, unconditionally lovable part of who you are. “We all have experiences of not being wanted, or not being enough, or being too much,” Knoblich says. If you keep running into walls when it comes to romance, a coach or a therapist can help turn the experience around: “You have somebody in your corner who walks with you on this journey,” Knoblich explains, “so that when you get hurt, you can always comfort yourself. You can remind yourself that you are good–that you deserve love and happiness.”

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